- Many people experience anxiety when it comes to waiting for a response in dating scenarios, which can lead to impatience.
- Communication styles differ widely; some individuals may take longer to respond due to their personality or communication preferences.
- Studies suggest that people often desire clarity and closure in romantic interactions, leading to heightened impatience during periods of silence.
- External factors like work, personal commitments, or social obligations can impact someone’s availability to engage in conversation.
- Cognitive overload can result in procrastination or delayed responses, particularly when individuals are juggling multiple responsibilities.
- The “ghosting” phenomenon has become more prevalent in modern dating, where lack of response can lead to feelings of confusion and impatience.
- Setting personal expectations regarding response times can help mitigate impatience and reduce anxiety while dating.
- Impatience can hinder emotional regulation, affecting how one perceives their partner’s lack of communication.
- Practicing mindfulness can enhance patience by encouraging individuals to focus on the present moment rather than worrying about the future.
- Engaging in hobbies or self-care activities can provide healthy distractions, helping to alleviate feelings of impatience while waiting for a response.
Why isn’t he writing? Or, why doesn’t she write? This article is about having patience when communicating and dating.
Patience is based on empathy, understanding and need fulfillment. Impatience, on the other hand, is about getting your own needs met exactly when you want them. In new relationships, it is very important to be patient, as the opposite can often be interpreted as unempathetic, selfish or desperate.
Why isn’t he texting – Learn patience with your dates
Patience is incredibly important when dating and dealing with other people. The first woman or man we meet is unlikely to be the one we fall for or marry. You have to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the prince or princess on the white horse. Patience is also incredibly important on every date. Dating is about relationships, and relationships are complex and constantly changing. Relationships with new acquaintances therefore require a lot of patience and work to build and maintain.
We are far too impatient
We live in a fast-paced society, where we’re used to getting our needs met pretty quickly. But dating can seem like the exact opposite – especially if we’re dating to find love. With thousands of other options at our fingertips on dating apps, our patience is quickly exhausted if our date steps out of line. I know this all too well when you’re texting with several potential dates at once and it’s very easy to eliminate one because of a choice of words or some other minor offense. Patience is a virtue that you should never stop practicing.
Train your empathy
Empathy is our ability to perceive and understand other people’s emotions. It is an essential human trait that is fundamental to our social life. People without the ability to empathize, such as autistics and psychopaths, cannot understand or empathize with other people’s emotional lives. This makes it difficult for them to create and maintain relationships with other people, as mirroring and empathy are normal human traits founded in early childhood.
As children, we automatically train empathy in childhood by mirroring. We experience what others experience by copying them. This enables us to understand the emotions of others even if we feel something different ourselves. As adults, most people have no problem interpreting emotions in others. However, it takes insight and experience to understand how others’ life circumstances can affect them and their behavior towards other people. We can train empathy by seeking insight into other people’s life circumstances such as job and family situations.
Be patient with dating
Empathy in dating is about insight into common but essential aspects of other people’s lives that you can be blind to if you don’t have insight and patience. For example, atypical and unpredictable working hours, a stressful work life or a sick family member may mean that a dating partner doesn’t immediately meet your expectations of a quick response time on Tinder chat, or he may have to cancel a date. But if he had to go for an emergency cancer scan with his mom, isn’t that an acceptable excuse to reschedule a date?
Don’t judge someone you don’t know
Basically, you don’t know each other and haven’t promised each other anything. Other people have dreams, desires and limitations in life that you must first get to know in order to understand their actions. Empathy is achieved by seeking understanding and insight. If you ask about the other person’s life without prejudice, you will generally get a positive response. It’s always nice to be listened to and understood. At the same time, we can mirror our own life, dreams and challenges in the other person’s life, which also makes it easier to opt in or out early in the relationship.
Give time
Empathy also entails giving the other person time to deepen and unfold their personality, as well as to argue about choices and attitudes in life. Some people open up early and easily. Others confide in other people with difficulty. You may feel that you have opened up to another person, but if the other person has a different view, then that is the common denominator of the relationship. The important thing to understand is that we shouldn’t judge people based on our starting point, but instead on their starting point. If you’re 10 minutes late for a first date, there may be a very good personal reason for it that can fully excuse being a little late. It would be a shame to judge too harshly in that situation.
Patience doesn’t mean you’re naive
Working on your patience and empathy towards others does not mean that you necessarily follow their will and wishes. It is possible to understand another person’s motivations and at the same time soberly assess that their lifestyle or outlook on life is not compatible with your own vision for a relationship or a life. We all have preferences. Maybe you can’t see yourself with someone who works nights or has many travel days throughout the year. And it’s okay to have that opinion and opt out on that basis. But you can’t allow yourself to get angry or disappointed just because the other person has chosen to live and organize their life that way.
Don’t get impatient with your date
Things move fast in the world we live in. We are always on and available for others when they need to contact us. We are expected to respond fully within a short period of time. The same requirements apply in online dating, where patience is not great. We have to compose funny, entertaining and flirty messages several times a day, show up well-rested, smelling freshly washed and ready to go on dates, and we also have to manage everyday life with work, friends and family.
We have way too high expectations
But the high expectations we have of ourselves and each other can easily get out of hand and lead to impatience. Impatience in new relationships typically manifests itself as complaining. Expectations are not aligned around how often or how quickly you communicate, so conflict may arise before the relationship has even started. One party doesn’t feel reflected and heard. She may even feel ignored. The other party feels that their active lifestyle and demanding work situation is not understood and that things are moving too fast.
Give your date the benefit of the doubt
But in the beginning of a relationship, it’s important to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and not forget that you’ve just met. You don’t owe each other anything and you don’t know each other. So you need to take it easy, even if you’ve grown very fond of the other person in a short time. You need to be patient and not try to adapt the other person to your own rhythm. Instead, you should set expectations with each other about how often you will meet and write together.
Impatience easily leads to conflict, which can end the relationship
Impatience is rooted in selfishness and self-centeredness needs. Reality doesn’t match your expectations; why are things moving so slowly or why isn’t she responding? As a starting point, there will always be an asymmetrical idea and expectation of how far a relationship has developed. Your hopes and understanding of the relationship’s stage of development depends on a lot of different factors such as what you’re looking for initially, how many other options you have and how strong your attraction to the person is.
A brand new dating relationship typically can’t sustain an early ‘conflict’. Therefore, impatience is likely to ruin the relationship before it even gets started. A relationship should ideally start out open and curious about the other person and without imposing limitations.
Two examples of dating processes
The impatient scenario: For a week or so, I had been texting with a girl. The conversation was about mundane things like the weather and work. We sent a text a day. I had invited her to meet somewhere, but she couldn’t make it that day. At the end of the week I got busy as I had to finish a lot of things at work before going on vacation. I didn’t write to her for a few days and on my first day of vacation by the pool, I receive an angry message about how rude it was to ghost and ‘thanks for this time’. The message took me by surprise as I didn’t consider the relationship to be over and I had no intention of ending it. She was far from the only one who hadn’t heard from me for a few days. She chose to end the relationship out of the blue without patience and empathy. She could have asked how I was doing and then communication would have gotten back on track. The story ended when, on vacation, I couldn’t be bothered to reply to an angry message from someone I didn’t know.
The patient scenario: At the same time, I was writing with another girl. We had been texting for a few months with low frequency. I had canceled a date and she had canceled a date, but we were still willing to meet. Communication was positive, even though it could be several days between replies. The interest was there, but expectations were set low for both of us. In this way, our interaction and expectations reflected the maturity of the relationship.
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Set expectations with your date
It’s really important to set expectations with your date. The most important things to set expectations about are the following:
- Why am I dating?
- How often do I communicate / check communication on Tinder or messaging service
- How often can I meet up?
- Approximately how long does it take to be ready for a sexual relationship?
- When do I want to be exclusive?
The above are some topics that many don’t get expectations aligned around.
Ask as early as possible
There’s nothing wrong with asking what the other person’s opinion is as early as possible. Another topic is sex, which is a bit more delicate. It can be good to state early on, possibly in your profile text, if you’re not having sex on the first date or if you want to get to know the other person first. It’s also good to be as specific as possible when setting expectations. You can write that you only check Tinder once a day, or that you can only text once a day and see each other a couple times a week.
Past relationships are fragile
If expectations are not aligned, uncertainties and misunderstandings quickly arise. Maybe both parties want to meet, but both parties feel overlooked. In the beginning, a relationship is very fragile. A night without a text message can feel like a rejection, even though the other party might have gone to bed early after handing in an exam paper. But just because your date doesn’t text doesn’t mean he’s rejecting you. It can be an indication of many things.
That’s why it can be good to ask casually and with humor if he’s still interested. Make it clear that it’s okay if he’s not interested or is too busy. You can also ask him or her out and see what the response is. If there is no response or he is trying to buy time without being specific, then he is not interested enough. Typical excuses are that you don’t have the time or you’re not available at the moment due to work. In that case, the person should come back when they have time and you shouldn’t spend any more time on them. It may be necessary to delete your match to avoid writing again, even if it is currently closed.
Messages to revive a dying match
Hello. I don’t seem to hear much from you. Are you doing well? 🙂 If you’re no longer interested, that’s fine. Just wanted to check.
Hi. Uh… Wanna grab a coffee on Thursday? The weather is going to be great! 😉
Setting expectations over time
In the early stages of a relationship, you get to know each other. Gradually and slowly, you align your expectations of each other. In the first few months, there isn’t necessarily an expectation that you’re exclusive. Perhaps it’s a topic you don’t touch on because both parties may still be undecided about how they see the relationship. At some point, a need arises for one or both parties to establish the relationship as exclusive. This means that you can ‘take the next step’ and invest more emotion into the relationship. This happens when you are reasonably sure that the other person will not disappear from your life immediately.
Over time, you understand each other better
When you date exclusively and later get into an official relationship and eventually move in together, you know each other really well and have aligned your expectations for the direction of your journey together. With a family and children, the focus moves away from the relationship and becomes centered around the children. This can lead to a misalignment of expectations around the relationship. Over time, the misalignment of expectations can lead to the end of the relationship.
Control the pace when you’re dating
Just because you’re on a dating app doesn’t mean you’re actively looking to connect or date someone. It’s a shame, because it would undeniably make it a little easier if you could assume that. Nevertheless, I think it’s perfectly fine to expect engagement and interest if you’ve matched. If your match doesn’t delete your match again, it must be because he is interested on some level.
Interest is almost never equal
It’s natural that your interest may not be equal. Maybe you think he’s super hot and his pictures and profile text are really funny. You have plenty of time in the coming week, so a date is perfect. On the other hand, maybe he just got back on Tinder after a short relationship. Now he’s swiped all of Tinder and has thirty matches, and you’re one of them.
Even if the interest isn’t equal, don’t give up. If you want to text or meet up, don’t sit around waiting, even if you’re a woman. But you should be prepared to get a lukewarm response or, at worst, rejection even if you’ve matched. That’s just the way it is. The point is that you have taken control of the process and are driving it forward. It’s a role that has traditionally fallen to the man. But it undeniably makes it a little faster and more efficient if the woman also takes responsibility for setting the pace from time to time.
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When do you have sex?
Sex is very intimate and it can be difficult to make rules for when you ‘should’ have sex, as it also depends on the mood of the situation. In Denmark, the norm is 3-4 dates into the relationship. It can be an advantage to wait longer because you’ll have gotten to know each other better. Just remember that the relationship can also end after you’ve had sex if it was a bad experience and you weren’t compatible sexually. Therefore, sex should not always be seen as something lofty and special. It can also be seen as the language of the flesh, which is neither dangerous nor secret, but rather something you can experience and share together and where you should be on the same wavelength. Sex is an important dimension in a relationship, which is why it’s also important to test your compatibility fairly quickly.
Out of sight, out of mind
If you don’t keep the momentum going, you risk not being able to keep the spark alive. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes. If you’re not reminded of the other person every day, you’ll quickly disappear from someone else’s consciousness, as you haven’t formed a close bond yet. Then the relationship has to be restarted, if you can get it started at all. That’s why it’s also a good idea to write together fairly intensively in the beginning – at least once a day. But to avoid running out of topics to write about with someone you don’t know, it’s important that you meet and learn more about each other’s lives, dreams and plans. That way, you’ll also have more conversation as you’re let into each other’s life worlds.
Everyone has a responsibility for the initiative
Everyone has a responsibility to take the initiative, especially if you are genuinely interested in your match. If you’re not interested in your match, it’s best to delete the match quickly or write to your match that it shouldn’t be the two of you.
Focus on the process – not the outcome
When we date, we often focus on the outcome, or lack thereof: ‘Why don’t I have a girlfriend? If we’re dating to get sex or find a boyfriend, the results of our efforts are very tangible. Either we get laid or we don’t. Either we’ve found a boyfriend or we haven’t.
Individualistic culture
We live in an individualistic culture with a strong focus on personal responsibility. If we haven’t achieved what we set out to do, it’s our own ‘fault’. If we work hard enough on the problem, we will succeed one day. The positive side of this view is that our culture is action-oriented as opposed to fatalistic. We have learned to focus on our own mistakes and shortcomings so that we can continually improve.
In sports, it makes sense to focus on a goal or result that we can train towards. In individual sports, only we can improve our own results. The more we run, the faster we run. But in team sports or dating, where our results depend on other people, the picture is more complex. Then it’s no longer just up to us to achieve our goals.
You can’t control the process
A big problem with our individualistic culture is that we take responsibility for our goals and results to the extent that we initialize them. When we don’t reach our goals, there must be something wrong with us. It can be a tough burden to carry around. Not only in dating, but also in our work and family life. For example, we assume we’re stupid or inept when we can’t find a job. Too much focus on results and goals can lead to poor self-esteem in the long run.
You can’t single-handedly drive a process towards your goal because there are two of you. But you can stop focusing so much on the goal and enjoy the process. If the process is good, it means you’re spending your time well. A strong goal focus can lead to years of struggling with relationships in the hope that you can squeeze other people into the relationship you envision. You imagine that the relationship will make you happy once it is established. But you ignore the fact that years pass and you’re not happy in the process.
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